honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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