there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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