Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
