can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
