I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
