I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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