Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
If that was your dad, he is hot
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.