I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
