happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Randomize
