dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
