.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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