you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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