Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
