I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
