my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Randomize
