So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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