My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
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I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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