I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
