he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
