I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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