I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
