the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
