Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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