Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
