from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
