I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
