Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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