By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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