I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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