This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
