This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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