If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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