I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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