someone owes me an orgasm
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
