Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
