And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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