and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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