It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
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I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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