I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
