just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
