I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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