Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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