Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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