my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
