Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
