I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
