i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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