8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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