Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
