My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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