I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
