My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
