I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
