dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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