So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
