Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
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then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
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You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.