i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
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Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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