so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
