I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
