his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
