My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
